Rugby is brilliant. Jerry Bruckheimer films are brilliant. So without further ado, we humbly present the Jerry Bruckheimer XV.
1. Census ‘Vivian’ Johnston – Senior Field Agent in the FBI’s Missing Person’s Unit, when not crushing opposition front rows.
2. Michael ‘Axel’ Foley – Former Aussie hooker and Beverley Hills Cop.
3. Dan Cole Trickle – Currently sidelined with an extended injury layoff to undergo neck surgery, the tighthead’s aspirations to challenge for the next NASCAR title are also slim.
4. Willie ‘John Patrick’ Mason – Tongan rugby league star turned SAS captain who was locked away for stealing information on J Edgar Hoover, escaped Alcatraz and converted to rugby union, where he was described as ‘the biggest flop’ in Toulon’s history.
5. Craig Gil-lies Grissom – Giant Worcester lock and lineout-taker by day; forensic scientist and crime solver by night.
6. Chris ‘Mike’ Lowrey – Smooth-talking detective in the narcotics division of the Miami PD who played for the Auckland Blues.
7. David Cameron Poe-cock – Another player on our esteemed list unfortunate enough to be stuck down by long-term injury, the Aussie flanker has used his time off to stall a group of convicts in their bid to take over an aircraft carrying some of the world’s most dangerous criminals.
9. Morgan ‘Captain Jack’ S-Parra [see what we’ve done there?!] – feisty French scrum-half
10. Chris ‘Special Agent Jack’ Malone – Head of MPU in Without a Trace and Saints scrum-half
11. Iceman Nacewa: “You can be my wingman anytime.” Maverick: “Bullshit, you can be mine.” 12. Shane ‘Benjamin Franklin’ Gates – Eastern Province Kings Fly-half who has an unhealthy obsession for hunting down priceless treasures – and stealing the Declaration of Independence.
13. Miguel ‘Captain Hector’ Barbossa – Portuguese international and the captain of the cursed Black Pearl.
14. Lieutenant Horatio ‘Caine’ Agulla – persistently either putting on or removing his sunglasses in slow-motion and coming out with cheesy one-liners, this guys somehow also manages to find time to play on the wing for Argentina and Bath.
15. Sean ‘Victor’ Maitland – the baddy in Beverley Hills Cop and a Kiwi-born Scot with a blistering turn of pace.